I’m Scared of Writing (storytime + a writing plan to overcome my fear)

This post is going to be personal, sort of a page out of my journal.

It’s basically what the title says: I’m scared to write.

My stomach is performing cartwheels and I’ve procrastinated in every possible way before sitting down to write this. I don’t even know if I’ll be writing this down in one sitting or revisiting it as I go. This prelude is a form of procrastination as well. Because writing this means I’m confronting it. Not just thinking about it, not just lamenting and making plans in the air to fix it that I know I’ll attempt half-heartedly before failing.

I guess I’m writing this to figure it all out and have someone hold me accountable. My blog? My friends? I don’t know.

You might be confused if you follow this blog and my social media because it’s not like I haven’t been writing at all. I’m been getting some blog posts up, posting occasional reviews on Goodreads and well of course, I’ve been writing academically. But I’m not referring to any of that. I’m talking about creative writing. About working on short stories and longer projects and the endless drafts rotting away on my notion.

I haven’t written in months. And if I don’t count the sporadic five hundred words or so I’ll write once in months, I don’t think I’ve written in over a year.

That right there makes me want to cry and vomit my guts out.

I consider myself a writer. But I feel incredibly guilty and downright horrible that I’m not writing. It’s a complex situation to say the very least. I’ve been hiding behind loads of excuses. I don’t have time. Academics takes priority. Working on that piece gives me terribly low mood swings. I want to prioritise my social life. I’ll do it later. This piece needs more planning and structuring. And so many more.

Some of them are right in their own senses. Like yes of course academics take priority but these have just become shields that I’m hiding behind. There are so many occasions where I’ve had the time and mental capacity to write but I’ve actively chosen not to write.

As a teenager, I used to write anything and everything at all points of time. All sorts of poetry – long and short. Weirdest fanfics you would ever read. Headcannons. Random ramblings. Full-fledged first drafts that weren’t ever finished but at least I was writing them. In the past, I had to actively choose to write. I fought against going down the STEM path to write. I keep thinking how flabbergasted and disappointed my past self would be in me right now.

So I tried, and I’m still trying to figure out why. Why am I suddenly so afraid? Yes, like most writers I’m afraid of the blank page but this is more than that.

I took a fiction writing workshop a few semesters ago (you could probably trace this back on my university journals pages but I don’t want to). At the time I was incredibly excited to write, show and get feedback on my YA fantasy – historical fiction-esque WIP. I’ve always been open to criticism and feedback. I don’t fear that at least. Unfortunately, most of the people in my class didn’t read fantasy, let alone YA fantasy. Most of them were literature students and they didn’t consider my work a piece of literature per se. I was told the tone and voice was wrong. Real people didn’t talk the way my characters were talking. The world-building wasn’t great and well a lot of other stuff, based on the first two chapters. Some of it was valid but a lot of it left me feeling inadequate and horrible. There are so many layers to this whole thing but I don’t want to dive deep into it cause I already have so many times since then.

The logical part of my brain walked away knowing that these people hadn’t read the kind of writing I was interested in. They didn’t have a point of reference hence their criticism wasn’t very valid (some of my peers were nice enough to outright say this). So yeah, I thought I had dealt with that very huge hit my creative soul took. I remember showing it to some friends from the blogging community and they could see what I was doing and they liked it. Not to say that I was looking for validation but if these people who had read YA touched upon the same points my peers did I would have had to deal with things differently.

Well that’s that then, my brain thought. But now that I look back it seems like my heart still refuses to believe that I can write well. Or just write I guess. Anything I’ve written since then has been for a course. I haven’t been able to write anything for myself, apart from one chapter of a different WIP I forced myself to sit down on. As for that original YA fantasy historical fiction-esqe WIP… I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to work on it again.

(I don’t mean to write this incident as some huge unrecoverable from trauma. I’m sure many people have faced this in creative writing. I’m just… getting this out of my system.)

It sucks. It makes me livid and devastated at everything. It makes me want to yell at the circumstances and my stupid self for just being so down on myself. I can logically tell why I’ve become so afraid of writing but there seems to be no other way of convincing my heart. Part of me has come to terms with the fact that I’ll always be afraid to write going on. I need to power through it though and maybe with every single time I write the fear and insecurities might get smaller.

The whole point of writing this here is to work through my fear and develop a concrete plan to overcome it.

I just graduated. I start an internship in maybe two weeks but despite that, I have some time on hand. Either way, I’ve decided that I cannot let time dictate my writing. So… I’m here to ask for suggestions. I’m making a plan to get back to writing but I don’t know if it will work. I intend to keep trying different things for as long as it takes. So I’m going to detail the current plan and hopefully, you all can comment on that with what you think or suggestions or any other plans that I can keep in mind as I go on this journey. Or you know you could just passively read this, that’s fine too.

Method Repository

Before I start, I also want this space to be a sort of repository of things I’ve tried and haven’t worked out. Or maybe have sometimes worked out. The idea is that they could be of help to someone else or maybe things I can refer back to in times of desperation.

TRIED AND TESTED

NEVER WORK

• Early morning writing routine: Nope. I’m a morning person but I need to morning to get in a mindset, freshen up and just be me. Trying to wake up and write feels like a punishment.
• NaNoWriMo: It’s absolutely draining and can be physically impossible for me since November is one of the most academically heavy months.
• Writing on the go: I’ve tried so hard but I’m no longer the person who can write in say a metro on their notes app. I need my own space and my laptop.

SOMETIMES WORK

• Writing prompts: I don’t know whether it’s the prompts I choose or what but they end up with me pulling my hair out and staring at them feeling more and more horrible as the time passes. It works sometimes and I’ll produce maybe a page or two but that’s a bit rare.
• Buddy writing/accountability partners: I think this one depends on how dedicated the other person is. If they slack off I will be absolutely happy to let them
• Write small/Pomodoro: This is the method that has worked the most. Sometimes I’m more afraid of big projects so writing short stories and things that I know I can realistically finish in one sitting can be very helpful.
• Planning: Lately this has felt like a trap. I have countless outlines of WIPs and pretty aesthetics on my motion but most of them haven’t been started. I will plan and plan in my head and on paper and then lose motivation by the time the writing phase rolls on. But some pieces require planning and this worked wonderfully for me in the past so I don’t know what to do.

ALWAYS WORK:

• Writing sprints: the one tried and tested technique I know works for me is writing sprints. I love doing sprints, it fills me up with adrenaline and knowing that other people are writing along fuels me. But the issue is that these are highly dependent on other people and time zones. If I can figure out a way around those it would be great.

I think that’s it? I’ll keep updating this list as I go but let’s move on to the actual plan.

(I’m still figuring this out as I go but I might make a page out of this repository and keep posting monthly writing updates as a sort of feature. Maybe something permanent on the blog will force me to keep at it.)

The Three-Week Writing Plan

I want to write every day. I think 500 words is an achievable goal.

I want to start small so for the first week I’ll focus on writing in short form. Short stories or standalone pieces that don’t need as much planning. I’ll also allot some time in this first week to pick and choose a bigger WIP that I want to work towards in the second week so in a way I’ll be gearing myself up for it.

And I want to actually try and schedule writing and planning time in my calendar, picking out chunks of time when I’ll sit down and focus on creative writing.

At the beginning of the second week, I want to sit down and edit or revise at least one piece that I wrote and show it to someone. Mutuals who are reading this, if you’re interested please let me know. But no matter what I’ll reach out to someone and get some feedback. The hope is to know where I stand while also getting the self-esteem boost I need. It will also help to know that I’m not writing in a vacuum.

For the second week, I can start working on a WIP. Less planning, more writing and seeing where that leads me.

The third week is going to be for evaluation. Look back and see what worked and what didn’t. Chart up a plan accordingly and update it here. Also, fanfiction writing. I’ve always found fanfic writing to be incredibly motivating. not only do I get an audience and feedback, but it also doesn’t require the same depth of planning as an original work since I already have the world and characters at my disposal.

An optional goal would be to find a writing buddy. Let’s see how that goes.

I feel better having made a plan. I don’t know if it will work but I’m excited to try it. I’m debating whether I want to try this at the beginning of July or earlier. It’s the 14th today and I have a post scheduled for the 15th but ideally, I want this post to go up soon after and start with the schedule the day after the post goes up. So maybe the 23rd? That gives me a week before July. I guess if you’re reading this you already know which route I decided to go down, heh.

Thank you so much if you’ve been here for this strange and rambling personal post. Any and all comments are appreciated but the fact that you just stuck around and read the entire thing – I’m grateful for that.