You know, Christmas is a holiday where you are socially inclined to give gifts and spend money on people you are believed to be close to. I mean sure it’s a happy and merry time, enjoying with your family and friends but there are always some people who you wish you could just tie up and hold hostage in your basement until they stop annoying you.
Okay maybe it’s not that extreme for you.
But all you can do is force on the biggest smile you can muster and hand over a gift to them while screaming how life is unfair and how you deserve a gift for putting up with them.
I have a great solution for this 😉
What if you could give them books that seem like a gift but that are actually a curse bestowed onto them from the deepest corner of hell. Yes this my brilliant evil master-plan that I would definitely have carried out if I a) celebrated Christmas and b) knew any freaking one who reads books -_-
Anyway, this is loosely based on the prompt ‘The Befana Comes at Night’, for Bookending Winter. It basically encourages us to make a list of books that we would give to good vs bad people but I feel that I have harped about good books enough, let’s get to the misery and
1. Sugar Lump
Let someone bash there head against their wall as they read about the plot where nothing ever happens and an MC who can’t figure out what is wrong in her life even though you can spy it from the first chapter. Also featuring endless number of loose ends that will drive the reader towards insanity.
2. If I Stay
Definitely gift this book to a sensitive person if you want them to cry their heart out and just clutch the book to their chest in their pain. Brownie points if you get a picture of the sobbing fiasco.
NOTE: For extra pain hand them the sequel and watch them tear at their hair as they try to figure out how were both these books written by the same author. They will die when struck by this extreme case of Pathetic Sequel Syndrome.
3. Nature Poem
This one is a pretty short read so hopefully it won’t cost you much. But don’t be afraid, it’s effects on the reader will be enormous. They will search every possible dictionary for the meaning of poetry and try to associate it with this book, but repeatedly fail. Finishing the book will lead to countless nights of pondering about the publisher’s sanity.
NOTE: This works best on die-hard poetry fans. They will be crushed.
4. Ember Burning
This book is excellent for stealing someone’s voice because they are going to spend countless hours screaming at the lead girl and her innate idiocy. This goes hand in hand with I saw that romance coming from ages ago head banging, why so stupid? tears of hopelessness, this is the plot of every YA book ever anger and irritation and a general feeling of wanting to jump out of a window.
Also leaves you with the strangest ending ever making you ask if you want to read the torturous sequel just to see what happens next. Unless you’re a bigger idiot than the MC, no you don’t.
5. More Happy Than Not
Did someone break your heart?
Great, you can now watch Adam Silvera break theirs. Because isn’t this an already established that Adam Satan Silvera loves to torture us and make us bleed emotions and yet we happily allow him to.
Readers may give you reports of falling into a pit of despair, their house getting flooded due to the tears, a head injury because they banged their head against the roof as they DID NOT SEE THAT PLOT TWIST COMING. And of course their heart will be shattered into a million pieces. The usual.
NOTE: This isn’t sarcasm but I love this author to death.
And there you go.
You’re very much welcome.
After all, there’s no better way to celebrate Christmas than eating pies and cookies in your warm bed while watching your enemies suffer and die. Merry Christmas in advance! 🙂